Why can't I let go of my ex. I can’t let go of my ex-husband: what should I do? If severe mental pain bothers you even later than six months after parting, then in such cases it is important to consult a psychotherapist

Breaking up any relationship is a serious stress, even if the decision to end it was mutual. The feeling of affection and the power of memories sometimes prevent a person from living a full life for a very long time. In this article, we will look at how to let go of an ex-boyfriend or husband and stop yearning for the past.

Forgiveness of all offenses

Sometimes we naively think that if we give our memories of a loved one gloomy colors, and endow him with the most terrible qualities, then it will become easier for us to forget him. In fact, everything happens the other way around. The more evil we accumulate in ourselves, the more often we think about a person, mentally argue with him, pity ourselves, build accusatory speeches and plans for skillful revenge.

But the idea that he who lives in the past has no future is true. And in order to let go of a person, it is necessary to sincerely and wholeheartedly forgive him. Of course, if he inflicted a strong offense on you, this is not so easy to do. But try to at least come to terms with the fact and understand that nothing can be changed. All that is needed is to leave the past in the past - both good and bad. You can find useful tips on this topic in our article -.

Farewell to illusions

This is the other extreme. In this case, you idealize past relationships and your lover in every possible way. At the root of this behavior is a banal fear of a new love, life without it and with the uncertainty of what will happen next. Of course, it is more convenient to immediately decide that all the best is in him and with him, rather than starting a difficult search for a more comfortable relationship.

But since you can’t avoid these searches anyway (in your own interest, by the way!), It’s better to face the truth right away. The meaning is this: if everything was so perfect, you would not have to leave. If everything goes well in a relationship, none of the partners goes to break. So, you still did not like something? And judging by the fact that you broke up, a lot did not suit you, since people seriously and forever break up not because of the color of her lipstick or his addiction to the World Cup.

From scratch

To understand how to let go of an ex-husband or boyfriend, you must first realize that you have your own life, and the relationship with your loved one is only part of it. The world has not turned upside down and continues to live with its daily chores. And the sooner you realize that life on earth has not stopped even for a second after your breakup, the better for you.

After that, you need to take the most active part in this life. Remember what you dreamed about, what you planned and what goals you set for yourself personally? You weren't born with a single thought - to be with him! You must have had many interests and plans before him. And now is the time to turn them into reality and prove to yourself that you can still be happy and enjoy life.

Hard work, constant employment, interesting communication and vivid impressions are what you need. You simply will not have time to think about him, about your life together and about the break itself, and gradually you will be able to let go of the former. In addition, when life is in full swing and pleases, there is less and less desire to return to the past and live in the old way.

I am 25 years old, I am beautiful and I was a confident girl until my ex came into my life. He persistently sought my attention, when we started a relationship, he told his friends how he couldn’t live without me, but he was enough for six months. Apparently, I pretty much took out his brain (I think so). As a result, we broke up on his initiative, he said that he was tired. It was the first experience when I was abandoned, the pain was crazy, but I didn’t even show him a tear, I didn’t answer his messages, calls. Six months have passed, and I have a new relationship. The guy loves very much, cares, pampers, but he is much inferior to the former (in development). And it bugs me. I constantly think about the former, compare them. Self-esteem suffered greatly. How to let go of an ex once and for all?

Oksana, Moscow, 25 years old / 19.09.18

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Oksana, the problem is not in the former, and not in your love for him. The problem is the lack of feelings for the current guy. You are in search, and the one you are dating now is not the hero of your novel. You haven't chosen him yet, he's a pass option for you. And the fact that you compare him with the former, and this comparison is not in favor of the one with whom you have a relationship now, only says that you have already decided for yourself that you don’t need to stop choosing yet

  To the question “how to forget the former once and for all?” I will answer simply: fall in love. When you meet a person who is truly interesting to you, thoughts about the former will quickly be superseded, and the very fact that you once "suffered" for that first guy will seem ridiculous to you.

• Sergey

  Oksana, unfortunately, no one has yet come up with some unambiguous and quick way to get rid of the feelings experienced. Therefore, all of us, at one time or another, had to, have to and, alas, will have to experience not the best moments in life. However, no matter how hard it is, no matter what mental anguish a person experiences, believe me, they are not eternal. Moreover, they are very helpful. The fact is that, only getting into difficult, injuring conditions, a person begins to develop. And this applies to both physical and spiritual components. Of course, it is very unpleasant and even painful when you are betrayed or abandoned. But it is an experience, albeit a negative one. An experience that allows you to look at what is happening from a different angle, think, draw conclusions, get to know yourself better. That is, grow up, become wiser, and climb another step in understanding what you still need.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello. I can't let go and forgive my ex-boyfriend. I was madly in love with this man, the first 4 months of the relationship everything was perfect, he was gentle, walked, etc., but then scandals, scolding, jealousy began. He forbade me to communicate with my friends, constantly checked the social. networks and sms. I liked it in some way, that he is jealous, it means he loves, forbids, it means a man, etc. But then we began to live together, scandals became more and more frequent, it even came to assault. He offered to have a baby, I agreed. As a result, I got pregnant, everything was fine in the relationship, he gave flowers, took care of me, talked to my tummy, but not for long. A month later, his drinking with friends began, he began to arrange nightly gatherings at home, to look at the girls. I was jealous, I told him everything, but he continued. I thought he would take a walk, and he would get tired of it, everyone was waiting for this bright moment, but no .. I learned from our mutual friend that he cheated on me. I was waiting for him at home to talk, he arrived, a scandal began, which escalated into a fight. I collected my things and left. In the end, we broke up. For 4 months I understood myself, I cried for a very long time. I thought that he would come to his senses, understand that he would soon have a child and return. After the birth of a child, after 3.5 months, he came to see him and that's it. I didn't see him again. Now he has a girlfriend, we do not communicate, he is not interested in a child. There was a huge resentment. How could he do this when he swore in love and really wanted a baby. After him there was a relationship, but they lasted a month, and we parted very badly. He just left without saying anything. Now I am ready for a relationship and I want one, but I have a fear that the next young man will also hurt me. Now several guys are courting me, but I'm afraid to open up to them and I feel a catch in all their actions. Sometimes it seems to me that I just can’t love anyone because of previous unsuccessful relationships. Even sometimes I just don’t want a relationship, and there is a feeling that I really like being alone. It is not obliged to anyone, you can communicate with anyone you want and no one will make brains. They get to know me, but everything is not right for me. Either his hair is not the same, then his eyes, then his hands, then he is short, then tall, thin, fat, etc. All wrong. Tell me, please, how to be and what to do about it? I am trying to understand myself and imagine that if we were together, he would not be able to give anything to me or the child. It repulses me. But when I remember all the good moments that were, I want to be with him again. Then I remember how he did it and again the rejection comes. That is, with my brain I understand that this is not my person, but I cannot accept this.

The psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.

Hello Ekaterina!

Unfortunately, this happens in life: betrayal, disappointment, resentment ... How to live with it? How to deal with negative emotions and obsessive thoughts? Let's find a way out of this situation together.

First of all, you, Ekaterina, need to burn through your grief, that is, it takes time for the mental pain to subside. This is a time of memories that give rise to various feelings and emotions in you. While you have not yet come to terms with your loss, inside you demand justice, feel sorry for yourself and lament in disappointment, because your trust has been betrayed. It hurts and is even unbearable at times. But even such a tragedy is possible to survive.

First, I recommend that you resolutely refuse thoughts about the past, that is, a strong-willed decision to stop them. It is not easy, but training will give its positive results. For example, a thought came to you, you proclaim to yourself or aloud: “I refuse to think about it!”, “I will not feel sorry for myself!”, “I let this person go and forgive him!”. YOU YOURSELF choose what to think about, to let the thought in or not to let it in. When a thought is admitted, it starts a mechanism that, later, is difficult to stop: memories, then feelings, emotions, depression, hopelessness, etc. You must understand that you are the mistress of the situation. The less you think about the past, the more likely you are to free yourself from a difficult state of mind.

Secondly, you need to see the positives in the current situation. For example: you have a beautiful child whom you love very much. Many women cannot have children at all, and you have such a wonderful baby. Or another example: you are alone, but at the same time you do not need to experience scandals, jealousy, assault. You, over time, will be able to build a new family and be happy! Find more pluses and write them down on a piece of paper, let it be in front of your eyes. Learn to think positively even when it's hard.

Third, do something. When a person works hard or is passionate about something, he has no time to think about the bad. If you are currently attached to a child, take the opportunity to read more fiction, draw, listen to good music, knit, embroider or do some crafts. Creative activities will enrich you, raise your self-esteem and help you get through a difficult period in your life.

Fourth, you need to forgive the person who brought you disappointment and pain. How to do it? Resentment can be written on a piece of paper in the form of a letter to the offender, throwing out all your negative emotions, and then destroy it. Resentment can be shouted, sung, danced, and even lost. This is best done in tandem with a psychologist who will professionally guide and help you.

Fifthly, I would not recommend you at this stage of your life to look for a new relationship with a man. It won't save you. You need to heal and rebuild emotionally. When you can easily, without tears or resentment, tell someone about your bad experience, this is a sign of your recovery. But that doesn't mean you have to lock yourself up at home. Be sure to walk, visit cinemas, theaters, concerts, cafes, etc. with friends. Communicate with interesting people, develop yourself as a person with books, trainings, lectures.

Ekaterina, turn a difficult period of your life into a useful period for yourself! Fill yourself with positive emotions, good news and new discoveries! Everything will be ok!

4.6666666666667 Rating 4.67 (9 Votes)

I am 20. I dated a guy of my own age, 5 years old. They lived together for the last year. Relations were not always easy, there were enough quarrels, and we survived the transitional age together, and a lot happened in 5 years. The two are active, beautiful, smart. But lately, the relationship has completely ceased to satisfy me. He did not want to go home, there was no desire to spend time with me. I tried to talk to him about this for a long time, he has one answer - a lot of work. Occasionally we would go out somewhere, or just take me with us, or go somewhere with him and his friend. At the same time, he paid more attention to his friend, not to me. There were, of course, very good moments, but this has become a rarity. I realized that it’s not about work, he just doesn’t want to. I began to ignore it, silently he came home for a few more nights, and then completely stopped. For 2 weeks I endured and waited, then it just became clear, he said that everything was gone, he was tired of such a relationship, but they called back on some issues. As a result, he called himself, wanted to return everything, saw each other, sincerely said that he loved, but after 3 days of seemingly normal communication, he again decided to leave. It has always been like this: if I follow him, he is away from me, when I am "indifferent" - he goes. It's been 3 months in total. I understand everything, I have already read a lot, talked with many, he is not ready for family relationships further, he is very complex in himself and freedom-loving, he says that he likes the way he lives now. But during these 3 months I still continued to call him from time to time, to ask. Whole tantrums for several days. I understand everything, I calm down, I endure, I go about my business, and then I find it so that I can’t think about anything else. For the last time I endured it for a month and the other day I gave it out again. I know that this is the wrong relationship, I know that he is a complex person, I know that there is no need to "run after him" until he wants to - nothing will change, but I invent that he is waiting for this, I know that he and he himself suffers very much and it is very hard for him ... so at one moment I decide what all this is for, let me change everything. He is rude to me, laughs, says that I'm "tolerating his brain", answers "I don't want to" to everything, and at the same time he cannot explain everything to me calmly and normally when I ask, often leaves an understatement and I cling to every little thing of his indifference. He loved me very much. The man himself is in many respects principled, very secretive, he will not tell anyone everything, he shared everything with me, but so far I was interesting to him. He still hasn't taken all his things. I know that I need to let go, but I continue to climb on his page on the social network, think about him, I remember a lot, I plan how and when I can make the next attempts at reconciliation, I dream of his return :(

Kulesh Yulia Sergeevna, psychologist Minsk

Hello Anna! Your tantrums, breakdowns, changing decisions are quite understandable and natural in this situation. It is unlikely that any woman after 5 years of relationship with a man could remain calm and composure in a similar position.

You are currently experiencing the breakup of a significant relationship for you. your boyfriend does not let you go to the end, but he does not build relationships with you, does not develop. This happens when too many unresolved conflicts have accumulated in a couple, and one of the partners decides to leave, only to make it scary for him. It is also not easy for your young man to leave you. But from what you've said, it doesn't sound like he's ready to work on the relationship. For happy families the work of both partners on the relationship is a prerequisite.

I would recommend that you decide for yourself - what kind of relationship you want. What is important for you to receive from a man, and what can you give him; which you categorically do not accept in a relationship with you. You can even discuss it with your boyfriend. If he directly tells you that he is not ready for a family, draw conclusions.

I would also advise you to enlist support. It can be your relatives, girlfriends, psychologist. You need inner resources to get through this difficult period. Don't forget to take care of yourself. ask other people to take care of you. find pleasure in your life.

Good luck to you!

Gritsyshina Alevtina Vladimirovna, psychologist Minsk

Hello Anna! You write about a difficult story. The tangle of problems you are talking about is rather big.

Unfortunately, one gets the impression that only you are ready to fight for the establishment of relations in the family. The husband, apparently, does not want to invest in them. But a family if it has value for each of the partners, it is always a joint work. This is the responsibility of both spouses.

If you admit the possibility of the second option, and parting with your husband does not mean the collapse of your whole life for you, think about what you are losing and what you are gaining in this situation ...

Alekhnovich Elena Cheslavovna, psychologist Minsk