If former lovers work together. Office romance is over: How to work with an ex-boyfriend? How to behave with a lover so that he is afraid of losing you: psychology
From time to time they remind of themselves. And not only lovers, but also former first loves, spouses, husbands, and even casual sex partners. Usually, they remind of themselves on holidays. Just send a congratulatory sms - why not? And how would you order to regard such a gesture to the receiving party? As a hint that you are remembered and would not mind being remembered again? Or as a thank you for a good time? Or maybe he was just looking for another number in the phone book, but stumbled upon yours and accidentally pressed "send"?
While options for reasons are scrolling in my head, memories pop up in my memory. And not those that are associated with the suffering and pain experienced during separation, but those that urge you to experience emotions again. Is it worth it?
Let's try to understand why those who have long been forgotten come back and find out if there are advantages in resuming old romances.
The temptation to meet with the former is always there. New - well-forgotten old, remember? Now we invite you to look at the situation from a positive side and evaluate the benefits that you will receive by restoring the old connection.
- The former is good because he is not a stranger. The best and worst aspects of personality have long been revealed. A companion does not need to bother to get to know her partner again: look closely, get used to, adapt, create the appearance of a “good girl”. This stage has already been passed.
- Forgotten feelings tend to be reborn. If once a partner was in love with her lover, then now it will not be difficult to experience similar feelings. The advantage is that excitement and passion will appear from a half turn, without lengthy preludes and doubts.
- There is an opportunity to show and prove that since the last meeting you have changed - you have begun to value yourself, for example. At a meeting, you can do something that has never been done before and really surprise the chosen one. Isn't it intriguing?
- The intrigue is also in the fact that a lot of time has passed, each of you had other lovers, a different, separate life, which means that you again became “unknown” and a mystery appeared in each of you. Familiar strangers are always intriguing.
- Ex-lovers usually feel guilty. Parting, as a rule, occurs because he once did not dare to leave his wife. So why don't you take the chance to calmly and tactfully discuss who is right and who is wrong? At the same time, get rid of resentment (in an adequate form). Besides, what could be better than a man trying to make amends? In this situation, you will be the queen.
- And most importantly - if you have long dreamed of resuming a relationship, but did not dare to call your ex, then here it is - your chance.
But note that the pluses tend to turn into minuses. As in any beginning of any novel, everything here is also good only at first. But this good is more fleeting than in novels that strangers start. After two or three meetings and a companion, and you will understand that each of you has remained the same, the riddle will turn out to be an ordinary illusion, and a stormy life is just an appearance. Therefore, the relationship will very quickly (faster than usual) come to the stage at which you broke up.
What do "reminders" about yourself mean?
Now we will analyze a few examples from the real life of beautiful people who are faced with reminders from a not very pleasant past.
Let's start by clarifying the real reason why he wants to come back.
Perhaps primitive, but the reason is sex. And there is no need to be upset that you could not achieve emotional attachment from your partner. If feelings are still preserved and you are not averse to meeting again, then use sex for selfish purposes. Do not be shy. Men are so arranged that at the moment of conquest of a sexual goal they are ready for anything. After all, it is the process of hunting, in the understanding of the stronger sex, that is the very love that a lady seeks to receive. Therefore, do not give up quickly, enjoy the moment and get as much as you want from the “hunter”.
But let's leave the hunt and move on to deciphering the strange behavior of the male with the help of the psychologist's answers.
Question: The lover has a habit of calling and apologizing, but does not offer to restore the former connection. What does it mean?
Answer: it means that he is waiting for the girl herself to show the initiative. This is a special type of men who like to have the advantage in their hands. By offering to meet, you will give him a trump card - to break down, think, allow himself to be persuaded and thereby keep control of the situation. Everything is simple here - sick pride is inherent in this type. However, as well as those men who show off their new passion to their former mistress. If the couple broke up and the girl found another, then the guy just needs to do the same in retaliation. And it is necessary that the former finds out about this. So he will prove that he is in great demand among beauties and that he has settled down perfectly (of course, better than you). In fact, he cannot survive that you, who remained HIS, now belong to another.
Question: a man shows signs of attention, but does not invite you on a date. How to evaluate such behavior?
Answer: Perhaps it's just politeness and courtesy. If the breakup was painless, this kind of attention is normal. However, he may also be testing the waters to find out if you would like to meet again? Since the refusal will be a blow to pride, the partner chose the tactic of slowly moving towards the goal. When he makes sure that the lady is not indifferent, he will take the first step.
Question: But the situation, which was already mentioned earlier - every holiday, the mistress receives congratulations. To respond or not to respond?
Answer: It is worth answering only if the girl wants her former lover to return. But if there is no desire, then it is better to ignore it. Where is the guarantee that he did not turn on the general mailing mode and several more former-present-future do not receive identical congratulations along with you? A man who wants to return the past associated with you is not limited to postcards alone. He will do things. And this can be explained by the fact that he is trying to smooth out your separation, which, apparently, was not very beautiful. He tries to cover up bad memories with such small amenities, to show you that he is not offended, hoping that you will respond in kind.
Is it worth bringing up the past?
It all depends on how you broke up, how much you experienced alone and how you got out of depression. If a girl has been in an emotional “pit” for a long time, then there is definitely no point in meeting again. Remember how painful the recovery period was. It is a little easier for men - breaking off one sexual relationship, they easily start another. Emotionally, they become attached only to mothers and wives. Lovers are rarely affected. Therefore, taking him to bed, you will return not to the former romance, but to the very point of the conflict at which you parted. There will be a repetition: old wounds will open, you will want to get rid of grievances, you will again stumble upon misunderstanding, a quarrel will break out, etc. As a result, you will both regret that you decided to meet.
If people parted amicably, without offense, then you can renew the connection. Often this happens to those who are married, do not want to get divorced, but also do not want to “enjoy” only insipid family life.
There are also more difficult cases. Some men remind themselves of themselves because they feel incomplete in past relationships. Perhaps the connection was interrupted at the initiative of the lady, and she managed to live through the completion stage, but the partner did not.
The problem is that the young man himself often does not know what he is guided by. The lady, receiving "reminders" from the former, will experience discomfort and, possibly, a sense of guilt for having made the decision to break up on her own. And the guy in such a situation is often annoying, which only exacerbates the situation. A woman can answer him with rudeness or irritation, because, feeling guilty, she does not want to admit her feelings. After all, in fact, no one owes anything to anyone. In this case, it is recommended to talk openly with your partner and find out why the former lover returned, what is the goal? On the part of the lady, there should be a recognition that she is not comfortable refusing meetings every time. If necessary, apologize for the past act and offer to disperse forever.
I have a married lover. Well, it's even hard to call a lover. We work together, we have known each other for 10 years in general. I went into this relationship after unsuccessful previous ones. I had to switch, I went crazy. We have been together for almost 3 years now. Relationships are like this: sex only at work, no joint trips and no gifts. Even on my 30th birthday, he congratulated me only by sms in viber. I do not need anything from him, but the fact that I am not even worthy of a flower is not very pleasing. At the same time, he constantly tells how he is with money and what expensive gifts he gives to his wife. I myself can afford a lot, but I want attention. I can’t tell anyone about this connection, so I need your advice. Thank you.
Tatiana, Lviv, Ukraine, 30 years old / 14.05.19
Opinions of our experts
Alyona
Tatyana, you are simply being used, moreover, with your full consent. Why would he spend money on you? You are not only not worthy of a flower, but also of a normal relationship. Sex right at work is a very budget option. You don’t have to walk your mistress in a cafe or restaurant, you don’t need to take him to the cinema to kissing places. No need to rent a hotel room or apartment for an hour. Think how cheap you are for your lover. And be horrified at how cheaply you value yourself.
Your "relationship" is a swamp in which you are bogged down. You have become a convenient bedding for a man who, in principle, has everything - a family, a stable relationship. What do you have? Nothing. And there will be nothing as long as you continue to maintain this connection.
Of course, you also need this connection - you get sex in it and the illusion that someone needs you and is interesting as a woman. But this man needs you only as long as you can be fucked right at work and not invest at all in this relationship. However, this does not mean that everyone else will treat you the same way. It's just that as long as the place next to you is occupied by this scoundrel, there is no place for a good, right guy. Filling the void with anyone, you do not give yourself a chance for a normal relationship in which you are not a living sex doll in the back room or on the office couch, but a beloved and desired woman, for whom mountains will be ready to move.
Sergey
Tatyana, in my opinion, you first need to decide whether you need something from a friend or not. If, as you write, “I don’t need anything from him,” then why all these questions? Well, if, after all, “you want attention”, then stop doing nonsense and look for a normal partner. Indeed, in addition to the fact that with the current “friend of interest”, you are just completely wasting your time, sex in the workplace one day may not be very good for this very place in the sense of trouble at work. Why do you need all this?
Or do you have plans to take this representative of the strong half of humanity away from your wife? But if so, then you need to act more actively, and take the initiative in your own hands. Although, I would advise you to think ten times before starting to do this. After all, even if you manage to beat off the peasant, where is the guarantee that after a while he will not find his next passion, and will not walk away from you?
It so happened that your relationship with a man began at work. You broke up, but no one wants to quit. How to work with an ex-boyfriend who is constantly in front of you?
As you know, we do not choose the place and time of meeting with the future soulmate. People get to know each other anywhere: on the street, on vacation, on a train or plane, in a cafe and at work. And if the characters do not agree, then you can simply part and go in different directions. But if you met at work, then you can’t go anywhere: you will have to see your ex-passion every day. What to do, how to work with the former, communicate and build your relationship further?
Of course, it's best not to start any novels at work in principle. After all, it is not known whether you will be together in the future or not. As a rule, after parting, a period of conflict often sets in, which is absolutely inappropriate in the workplace. But if this is what happened and your lover is a colleague, be careful in the future. Loud, scandalous breakups should not be allowed if you still decide to run away. The break must be peaceful. And even if he hurt you or deceived you, betrayed you, do not make a scene, intelligently find out the relationship and smoothly end it. It is impossible to disperse as enemies, it will be simply impossible to work together after that.
You are unlikely to achieve, so neutrality is the best that can be. If you just broke up, it takes time for the wounds to heal. Take a wait-and-see attitude and consider the following important points.
- Seriously approach the question of how to work with an ex, because you love your job and do not want to quit. If the relationship ended on your initiative, the abandoned lover, of course, is offended. A civilized person will not show this, but an ill-mannered and wounded man will definitely try to show you his indignation. This can be expressed in barbs, vicious jokes. But an ex-boyfriend can also go the other way - start ignoring. Be prepared for this and ignore it. This will pass with time, when the passions subside.
- Be smart, be patient and don't fall for any provocations. Be friendly and say hello to him, even if he does not answer. If you get a chance to talk in private, take that chance. Pride is inappropriate here if you really want to stay at your favorite job and not go to it like hard labor. When you are alone, tell your ex-lover that you are grateful to him for everything and wish only happiness in the future. Hint in conversation that you want you to remain friends. A smart person should understand you.
If the relationship left behind a lot of negative emotions, it's hard to imagine how to work with the former without remembering these sad details. But the only way out, if you do not want to leave your post, is to find the strength in yourself to admit that you made a mistake in a person and live on.
There was love, there was passion, there was intimacy, but it didn’t work out ... You broke up, but still continue to see each other every day. Because you work together. How to behave in such a situation? Pretend that nothing ever happened between you and your colleague? Avoid talking to your ex? Or maybe quit altogether? Recommendations are given by psychologist Elena Godina.
All people are different, and situations too, - says the expert. - Some will react to the rupture of relations quite calmly, while others will find it hard to even look at their former lover. Then, there are situations when they parted, so to speak, “by agreement of the parties”, and it happens that one of the two cannot come to terms with the fact that he was abandoned. It is clear that in each case the recommendations will be individual.
If you “ran up” by mutual agreement and continue to work together, then the most logical thing would be to maintain good and even friendly relations with your former friend, Elena Godina believes.
You are both adults and should understand that anything can happen. Yes, as partners in your personal life, you did not suit each other, and from now on, everyone went their own way. But you may well take place as friends and colleagues. It is necessary to recognize that your relationship has simply moved to another level. You can still turn to each other for help and support - within the framework of work and friendship.
If one of you is a boss, and someone is a subordinate, then the situation, of course, can become more complicated, the psychologist believes. A close relationship between a leader and a subordinate in itself complicates life. What if they are already over? Is it worth adhering to an emphatically formal style of communication? Or is it better to think about changing jobs?
According to Elena Godina, in the presence of other employees, it is best to maintain subordination if familiar relations are not generally accepted in your company. In private, you can continue to call each other on "you" and by name, but it is advisable not to mention what happened between you. So you avoid unnecessary negative emotions.
But it's one thing if you just didn't get along with the characters, and another if the novel left a lot of negativity. Let's say the man you had high hopes for turned out to be a womanizer, and you were interested in him as another "souvenir" for the collection. Or did he treat you badly, scoffed, "threw" on dates, used your money, property? Finally, you caught him in elementary treason ...
Of course, if the relationship left mostly negative impressions about itself, it is very difficult to treat a person well after that, the psychologist states. - And yet it is in your power to maintain at least neutrality. Inspire yourself that a scoundrel and a traitor is just your colleague, colleague, and nothing more. Well, you were mistaken, with whom it does not happen!
But what if you want to end the relationship, but the partner does not agree? Or, on the contrary, did he leave you against your will?
If the former lover does not accept the situation with the breakup and does not want to listen to your explanations, then at first you can try to ignore him or limit communication to officialdom and solving work issues, Elena Godina advises. - If the situation is reversed, then you should think carefully about whether you need a person who no longer has any feelings for you. And he, most likely, does not feel it, since he went to part.
You can think about dismissal if the situation is unsolvable - that is, the man continues to pursue you, demanding reciprocity, or if he initiated the breakup, and you just can’t forget him, it hurts you to see him on the other ... By the way, it’s not necessary to quit absolutely - you can look for an opportunity to transfer to another department or any other option in which you will encounter as little as possible.
Perhaps, before making any decision, you should discuss your relationship with the “former,” Elena Godina believes. - For example, you can decide whether you will remain friends, only colleagues, or whether it is better for one of you to move to another job.
Remember that the end of an office romance is not yet the collapse of life and is not evidence of your failures. Take a lesson from what happened and be open to new relationships, the psychologist advises.
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