Hello dear psychologists. Tell me, please, a way out of the situation.
I have been married for 2 years. I am 30 years old, I have a daughter from my first marriage and a son who is 3 months old in common with my husband. My husband is 10 years older than me. My problem is that it seems to me that my husband lives with me, because he is so comfortable and his heart is different.
It seems to me that this is his stepdaughter from a previous marriage. She is 20 years younger than him and lives in a civil marriage as a young man. For her sake, he is ready for a lot and is always insanely happy with her rare calls. He tells me that I am loved and she is like a daughter to him.
I can't handle my jealousy attacks. I constantly tease him, call him my beloved “Lady of the Heart”, get angry when he is not ready to fulfill my requests or fulfills them with great reluctance, they do not seem to him so necessary for our or my well-being. It seems to me that if she asked him for something, he would fly on the wings of love fulfilling her desires. My jealousy infuriates him. And here it seems to me that during these scandals he does not behave like a loving husband. Instead of hugging, kissing and saying “Helen, you know that you are the best!” he talks about how I have fucking brains and she is his daughter. And once, during a scandal, he said that she was better than me. Then the truth the next day added than. The fact that she does not carry any nonsense, the fact that he can be proud of her upbringing because he himself invested, but it doesn’t seem to me that he no longer brought up, but just had a pleasant leisure time. They went to the beach together when she was 14. In general, he loves to talk about her childhood and youth. And I really hate to hear it. Living in a previous marriage, he tried to earn money to get the child to school, living with me, he also works, but does not try to his fullest. After the death of her mother, her husband gave Natasha a gold ring under the pretext that he promised to give his mother an engagement ring, and he gives me cheap perfume, and for thirty years he did not congratulate at all, and his mother gave the gift. On the
On February 23, after calling all his friends with the news that “a stunningly beautiful woman will give him a son,” he calls her with the words “daughter, come to my house, you don’t know what’s going on in my head when I talk to you” and she laughed into the phone. I then said after that that I no longer love him and let's part, he was upset then said that he was terribly cold. We made up because I, too, became cold and devastated. When she came to be discharged from the maternity hospital, she was insanely happy for her visit, they kept together all the time, he almost didn’t come up to me, only when the photographer said Lena and Andrey kiss. It even happened that Natasha took my son in her arms and he stood next to them and photographed them. The photographer was smart enough not to take this photo, he would have done better, otherwise he assures that this did not happen. With all this, he dares to assure me that he is loved by him, that he is the best because she gave him a son, he dares to pester me and call me Lapulichka. In general, he clung to me like a tick
I am a very beautiful woman, I think so because I very often receive bonuses in the form of attention from other men and small services, such as screwing in a light bulb on my floor when I didn’t even ask for it, but also all sorts of things like that. And women often tell me about this. I am not offended by the attention of other men. Somehow I asked without scandal why Natasha was better than me a few months later, and he replied that she did not fly in the clouds, and at 30 I was like a child, although I was the mother of two children. And in general, he often reproaches me when drunk for carelessness and inspiration (I have such shortcomings) and that I don’t listen to him when he says something or asks (I have such character traits, they appear in communication not only with him I can catch on in thoughts for the spoken word to ponder the information received and inadvertently skip everything else, then I ask again what terribly I rage around
I can't handle the jealousy. I’m trying to move away, move away from doing household chores but at the same time be a stranger, but when I understand that he doesn’t take steps towards reconciliation, I start to break down again, tease and reproach. do not walk around with the face of an unsatisfied woman. It seems to me that marriage is destroying my health, it happens that from frustration I can hardly force myself to take care of my children (especially his little son, who does not inspire me with maternal feelings at all, of course I love him, he just doesn’t make me happy, as my daughter once did in infancy)
Why am I not going to such a step as a divorce? There are several reasons for this
The first most difficult is, if not love, then emotional dependence. I'm used to and terribly miss him when he's gone.
The second is that I am a believer and the priest does not bless the divorce, but recommends saving the relationship - look after the appearance, the house, a good dinner, and even work on bed relationships
The third in a divorce, I'm afraid that I might be tempted, that is. to enter into an extramarital relationship, and this is a sin, I would not want sin in my life, although lately thoughts have often been visited that would find a lover.
Although if I think about it, I will also receive my bonuses from him. Before marriage with me, he drank a lot, almost stopped in marriage. He does a lot around the house.
What would you advise me in this situation? I read the book “The Charm of Femininity” on the Internet, I just started reading it, but I don’t believe it anymore. They write there that a wife can awaken unearthly love in her husband, but can she awaken it in him a second time if another has already done it. They will not build the Taj Mahal a second time for another. It seems to me easier to inspire an alcoholic neighbor so that flower beds grow under my window and empty bottles do not lie around than to fall in love with your own husband.
I am very interested in the opinion of a psychologist on this account. Help me please.
Sincerely, Elena

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Husband loves another

Hello, Elena.
My husband loves someone else. We have been married for 14 years and have two children. They lived, as it seemed to me, soul to soul. I tried to be an ideal wife: delicious food, comfort in the house, never capricious, no scandals. In general, she avoided what her husband did not like and did what he liked.

And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue: the husband loves another and leaves. To say it hurt was an understatement. Saved, perhaps, only children. I was still breastfeeding my youngest. I forgave somehow right away (treason, with a sense of betrayal is more difficult), waited, thought - I was mistaken. He returned, said that there was love, but he agreed to try to restore relations. He did not last even a week, he himself began to communicate with that one, left again ... returned again ... And so for a year and a half. My husband says it's not my fault that he loves another, he doesn't love me. He offered to live simply as partners, for children.

Doesn't want to get divorced. He asked for time to make a decision and did not decide anything. And I love and wait, but I'm tired. Now, as a respectable father, he spends every weekend with his children, brings money, gifts, and is courteous with me. But the decision DOES NOT ACCEPT !!! And I continue to suffer: the mind insists there is no need to suffer, it is necessary to throw it away and not look where it has fallen, but the heart loves, hopes ... I am torn to pieces. Advise, after such a recovery is possible? I really need expert advice. Confused in my feelings, arguing with myself.

Hello.

The restoration of relations depends on the desire of the two, so it is always possible, but your situation has been going on for a year and a half, and has become stable. painful for all three, but sometimes it's the only way to save a relationship. Your husband wants to stay with you while fulfilling his other desires, and the current situation is the only way to do both. Love triangles can last for years.

It is typical for such situations that the responsibility for making a decision is assigned to the one who chooses whom to be with, and the other two people are waiting for him to make it. In fact, any of the participants in the triangle can make a decision. And here you need to think about what prevents you from making a decision. Are you more afraid of being alone than to endure the current situation? Do you tend to endure something unpleasant or difficult for someone for a long time?

The fluctuations that you experience will not disappear from the advice of a specialist or any other person, as they are associated with your personal characteristics. It's all about emotional dependence, to which participants in love triangles are always prone. To find the strength to make your own decision, you must first deal with your tendency to emotional dependence on another person.

No matter how wonderful the beginning of family relationships may be, no woman is immune from the fact that her husband will give his heart to another. Unfortunately, marriage is not a guarantee of fidelity and happiness. At some point, the spouse may cool off sharply towards the one whom he swore eternal love. Most often, the reason for this is a feeling for another woman. It can be very difficult to recognize a husband's love, because the representatives of the stronger sex are not very emotional. Often they deliberately hide a new passion.

How to recognize that a husband has fallen in love with another?

So, the husband's love is open and secret. In the first case, it can be recognized by the following features:

1. The husband does not hide from his wife the fact of communication with his colleague or friend of interest. When he and his wife discuss his affairs, he talks a lot not about the affairs themselves, but about his girlfriend, about how wonderfully she copes with everything, what a huge contribution she makes. Sometimes reviews about a woman are not at all positive. He can criticize and discuss her, thereby trying either to divert suspicion from himself, or to “protect himself” from love thoughts addressed to her. In any case, one thing is clear - he is not indifferent to her.

2. The husband regularly gives a ride, takes another woman, meets with her in a cafe or in other informal settings to chat on interests. All this can be taken for a simple display of gallantry. But if a spouse constantly refuses to take his wife to the store or solve some domestic problems, and instead communicates with another, this is already a reason to think.

3. Constant correspondence via the Internet or SMS. If a man and a woman correspond every day on social networks, it is likely that there is some kind of “chemistry” between them. Of course, you can communicate in a friendly way, but to a reasonable extent. If a spouse has become inseparable from a phone or tablet, constantly checking for messages, you can suspect that he is in love with another.

4. The husband prefers to spend time with his girlfriend at the expense of the marital relationship. He always finds a reason to meet his passion, and refuses his wife to go to the movies or just stay at home together.

The "open form" of falling in love is quite rare, because husbands, for various reasons, hide their sympathy for other women. Now consider the option when the husband is secretly in love with another.

1. He moves away from his wife, ceases to care for her. He is not interested in her affairs and does not want to dedicate her to his. He changes behavior. His mood is unusually upbeat, if not spoiled. If the spouse begins to make comments or ask about something, it irritates him greatly.

2. The husband loses intimate interest in his wife. He does not want to share a bed with her, and if he still fulfills his marital duty, but very reluctantly.

3. He does not allow his wife to access the means of communication: he hides his mobile phone, puts passwords on the computer. And his beloved, most likely, is recorded on the phone under the name of a friend whose wife does not know about the existence.

4. Husband takes care of himself more than usual, and every time he leaves the house, he preens as if he was going on a date.

5. He avoids his wife, does not want to talk to her to tell how the day went. He pretends to be tired so as not to share his thoughts.

What to do if the husband fell in love with another?

First you need to figure out what the wife herself wants. Is she ready to close her eyes to her husband's affair and forgive him for the sake of saving the family? Here it is necessary to take into account what family relations were before, take into account the characters and worldview of the spouses themselves. There are amorous people who constantly need fresh impressions. And yet, they are able to maintain their own families.

What you definitely cannot do is to openly reproach your husband, sort things out and arrange scenes of jealousy. Most often, female jealousy turns out to be in vain, and signs of a man’s love are non-binding flirting. Perhaps, excessive attention to the representatives of the weaker sex is due to the cheerful and open nature of a person.

What to do if you are still convinced that your husband is in love? The surest tactic for a wife is to pretend that nothing happened. You need to remain sensible and calm. “In love” does not always mean “love”. A banal affair on the side can be an occasion to shake up family relationships. A wife should pay more attention to herself: update her wardrobe, make a beautiful haircut, become interesting and mysterious.

The husband will see that there is a beautiful luxurious woman next to him, and again pay attention to his wife. After all, a fleeting infatuation is very rarely able to destroy a good marital relationship. A wife needs to love herself, and not become a victim. Constant worries and self-pity will only aggravate the situation. And only female wisdom is able to return the husband's disposition and save the family.

The husband fell in love with another. Signs of love.

Unfortunately, marriage is not a guarantee that the beloved man who swore love and fidelity to you will really always love you, and, most importantly, will be faithful and devoted.

More often this happens, only in fairy tales, although even there the heroes overcome a number of difficulties before they achieve the desired and long-awaited well-being.

What can we say about a life in which everything happens, and over the years of marriage, a woman may face such a misfortune as her husband's falling in love.

And how to be then? How to live a woman who understands for herself what betrayal is. And how hard it is when you see or guess that a husband has fallen in love with another woman.

First you need to make sure that the husband really fell in love with another woman so that jealousy is not in vain. Indeed, female jealousy often has no serious grounds, but it is she who can become a catalyst for the rapid destruction of relationships.

In order to understand whether a husband fell in love with another or not, you do not need to ask him about it. Rather, if you want your husband to stay with you, because you love him and your relationship is worth fighting for, then it is strictly forbidden to talk to him about another woman. And in general: you should try not to show the appearance that you know about your husband's love. At least until you clearly define your feelings and further actions.

The husband fell in love with another. Signs of falling in love

I must say that situations are completely different, but, for the most part, male love can be both in hidden relationships with a woman and in open ones.

Open is when you are aware that there is some girl or woman with whom your husband communicates. You know that they spend time together for work or interests. You are discussing some of their common affairs.

Signs of falling in love

1. The husband does not talk with great interest about the things they do together, but focuses the conversation on her.

For example, g When talking about a common business with her, he talks more not about this business or affairs, but about what she does, how she does it, what her contribution is. In a word, you know more about how she works and who she is than about the essence of things.

Moreover, it is not at all necessary that he speaks well of her, often a man can speak negatively about her. She might annoy him in some way. In fact, this is either a sincere attempt to protect oneself from feelings for her, or a deliberate deception. But the fact that he has feelings for her is a fact.

2. He calls for her, takes her, brings her, meets in an informal setting.

Of course, on the one hand, this can pass for gallantry, but if at the same time a man does not find time to take you to the store or do any other business with you, then this is no longer just gallantry, but caring for another woman.

3. Correspondence sms and via the Internet. If they communicate very often, and if emoticons with heart kisses and so on are sent, then you should be very wary here.

4. The phone is constantly with him. But if not constantly, then with less willingness he lets you near him.

5. Spending time with her, to the detriment of your relationship.

6. For example, instead of going to the movies with you, as before, he is “forced” to meet with her on some issues.

We think this is already enough to understand: is your husband in love with another or not?

Now about a more difficult moment: when the husband is in love in a hidden form.
Here the husband does not talk about her, and openly does not show his feelings in any way. Therefore, here it is necessary to show espionage qualities, and be quite careful.

So, the signs of falling in love in this case are as follows:

Signs of falling in love

The main thing is that the husband is changing, he is changing outwardly, he is changing in his mood. He moves away from you, you become, he is not interested, like a woman. He is no longer interested in things related to you. You will feel it. However, it is hard to understand what it is.

1. The husband tries to hide all means of communication from you.

2. Your husband has become very distant from you, and has ceased to show attention to you.

3. He began to take care of himself more than usual.

4. The husband is in high spirits if you do not spoil him, and if you spoil him, he is very annoyed with you.

5. If a husband is in love, he loses his vigilance. Especially if you don't check his stuff, at least he doesn't know it.

6. He has meetings all the time. At the same time, he looks like he was going on a date.

7. The husband refuses to have sex with you for a long time, and if he agrees, then without the same enthusiasm.

8. The husband pretends to be tired, does not share his experiences with you, does not talk about business, about how the day went.

All these signs point to the love of a husband. Of course, you can't say 100%. Here you need to know what the relationship was before, and how they developed, in order to understand exactly: is the husband in love or not? In any case, if your relationship corresponds to the above points, then they definitely need to be improved.

As we have already said, the last thing to do is to enter into open conversations and, even more so, to reproach and swear. We must first understand the situation. You must clearly understand what you want. And only after that make a decision. If you are afraid of making a mistake or do not know what to do, or how to return your husband's love, you can contact our specialists and describe your situation in detail. And our coach-master will develop personal recommendations for you, following which you will be able to achieve your goal.

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Hello dear readers! Today, nothing can be 100 percent sure. You get married, you think that everything in your life is going right and well, everything seems to have settled down and here it is!

If the husband fell in love with another what to do. The answer to this question is not so easy to find. On the one hand, it’s scary to start life anew, but already alone, and on the other hand, is it possible to save a family after everything that has happened. It is quite difficult to do without the advice of a psychologist. Which answer would be correct?

Who is guilty

You are in a very unenviable position, but blaming others is the stupidest thing you can do right now. This is the first step into the abyss. You run the risk of sinking into regret, which leads nowhere. You can begin to blame yourself, him, another woman, worry about unfulfilled hopes, or, in other words, simply mourn your unfortunate fate.

Indeed, an unpleasant event has happened to you. This is true. And you have the right to sadness and feelings, but how long can they last and what will they lead to in the end? Low self-esteem, bad mood and endless sadness. Do you need such companions in life? I don't think.

You know your husband best and try, in this difficult situation, to watch him. Does his confession sound like remorse and a way to talk about relationship problems. Or he actually stated it as a clear intention to leave.

It would seem, what's the difference? But it really is, for example, read. Sometimes a partner, no matter husband or wife, commit adultery while running away from family difficulties and, unfortunately, they see the only way out in this. Everything comes from a difficult understanding of primary problems and is realized much later.

I believe that in any of the cases you simply have to clarify whether this is a hobby or a spouse is serious. Both of you need a conversation, and without it, there may be a feeling that you could somehow solve this. But it usually comes when there is nothing to fix.

If you understand that the family cannot be saved, the husband’s intentions to leave are firm and you do not see his doubts and remorse in the conversation, then this is really irreversible. Feel free to move on to the next paragraphs that will help prepare for parting.

You can't give up

Only you have the right to make a choice where to put a comma in the phrase “You can’t leave, you can’t give up.” Can you be completely sure of it? Do you give a guarantee that some time will pass and the situation will not repeat itself, only with a new member of this love triangle?

In addition, you will have to prepare for a real war for the attention of this man who loves another woman and has decided to give up the role of a happy and worthy family man. What could be your actions?

You will have to try to forget about grievances, surround him with attention, in no case try to reproach for what you have done and in every possible way show your strengths, become the most understanding, beautiful and caring in the world. Does he really deserve it, after everything that's happened?

Are you ready to be better than your previous version for the sake of a person who did not appreciate you?

By the way, if the husband confessed his love for another woman, but continues to live with you, you still have to try to carefully "export" him. He must see a different life, be able to compare and even miss his "ex" wife.

You can find a lot of interesting information on this topic in the book. Niki Nabokova #In bed with your husband. Lover's Notes. Wives must read!”. The book will give strength to whatever conclusion you come to. Either way, you will enjoy what you read.

Let it all go

Then the best solution would be to try to live on, but with another man or by learning to be independent. Perhaps you are familiar with the story of Olga Buzova, who, after parting with a famous football player, was able to follow the path of least resistance and performed the two most faithful deeds that she could.

1. She managed to distract herself, and more specifically, she took up the career of a singer.
2. Benefited from what happened - the necessary PR, which only helped her to gain a foothold in the charts.

Although you do not have worldwide fame or popularity within the Russian Federation, you have long known what to do if your husband fell in love with another, although perhaps these tips seem so simple to you that they do not attract too much attention.

First of all, try to relax. Find a new hobby, take care of yourself, finally sign up for the courses that you have long dreamed of. You have free time and you need to spend it on something. The faster you find where to put your energy, the less it will remain for experiences, unnecessary and thoughtless actions.

The second rule is to look for profit in everything. Look at parting with your husband not from the position of the victim. Sorry, but happy families rarely leave. You may have fallen into this 0.001%, but most likely the problems started a long time ago.

Try to treat what happened as a relief from a burden. You yourself would hardly have decided to put an end to an unsuccessful romance. It's been done for you. You are in a more advantageous position than your spouse: others are trying to support you, everyone is happy to spend their free time with you.

Perhaps pity is not the best feeling, but sometimes it is experienced not for a person (I'm talking about "victims"), but for a situation. This is a completely different matter. You have a chance to prove yourself as a strong woman, so why not become one now?

That's all for me. See you soon and don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter.